"It's only once a year"

I want to put a pretty hefty disclaimer at the beginning of this post. This post is very moody, and well most in likely depressing. It is not feel good, or even here look at this thing in a new light. It i me being incredibly frustrated and expressing it. I figure with the fact I don't have many followers, and this blog being more or less a personal journal this feels like a good place to get it all out. You have been warned, I don't want to drag people down with me, but at the same time I just feel like I need to vent. Next post I'll try to explain what "Where the bomb drops" means that should be interesting. See you then.

I HATE this day. It annoys me to no end. I really wish it didn't, but it does. It is a day for couples to express their love for each other, and honestly that is a pretty awesome and amazing thing, however for me it just emphasizes the fact that I'm alone. And I don't want to be. Growing up what I have wanted to do with my life has changed with all the new things I discovered from the world, I went through the stages of wanting to be a police officer, and firefighter etc.. the typical ideas of grandeur that most young boys go through. But one life goal, that never changed and I had from a abnormally young age in my opinion was my desire to be a father and a husband, and I am nether of these.

I have always had a passion for kids, and most people will tell you I have a real gift for them, and to some extent this is really sad, because I will finish a night of working with kids, and playing with them, and when they go, I'm left with a little bit of an emptiness. The kids have gone, and I have none of my own. The same goes with the lack of wife, I study my Bible alot and I have run over multiple times talks of "the wife of your youth" Most people tell me I am still young and I have plenty of time, hoping this will be a comfort to me. I appreciate the thought, but in Jewish society a boy was considered a man at 13, so I think youth is quite a bit younger then we are used to thinking, not that i'm saying they all got married at 13, but even in our country we can see that it wasn't that long ago that the normal age for getting married was 18.

This age has continuely been getting pushed further and further back people are saying 30-40 are ideal ages.

I think this has alot to do with people taking more and more privileges reserved for marriage and applying them to everyday relationships, lessing the need and desire to become married at a young age. and I think the church has excepted the fact that marriage should be pushed further and further back. I have a problem with this though I have not been privy to these privileges, you know why because I'm not married, so this lack of a partner to share my life with, to lean on, to be there so she can lean on me, to share my dreams etc........ So I'm in a deep craving for this type of companionship that can only be filled with a wife.

Its not like this is an ungodly desire, its encouraged actually, I want to leave my parents and cling to my wife, but there is no new relationship here for the old one to end. and its sad and it hurts and this day reminds me of it, I pray that next year it wont, and it will actually be the day of joy and gladness and celebration that it deserves to be.