application

So I was bored the other night so I did some mild  online stalkering, and ran across  an "application to date my daughter" Now I have seen quite a few  of these in the past, the main purpose of them  seem to be, "mildly humorous" and to say no one is good enough for my daughter. They also try to key in on as many faults as possible, without trying  to  find any good out of would be men. Heck I would wager that most dads didn't live  up to these standards  when they were around that age, some of them might  not be able to now. Anyway I did a quick search nabbed  the first one I found and decided to see if I could  fill it out as honestly as possible. answers/additions to the form will be in Red

NAME______Robert Jacob Hoagland____________   DATE OF BIRTH__11/29/1984____   HEIGHT__6'1"___  WEIGHT__150___   IQ__Honestly have no idea__  GPA__3.0 college   SOCIAL SECURITY #__I'm not stupid___  DRIVERS LICENSE #___I'm not stupid____

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES:Life scout, Order of the arrow, Staff, Junior assistant scoutmaster  HOME ADDRESS___Not on net_____  CITY/STATE___________  ZIP______  Do you have parents?               _X_Yes  ___No Is one male and the other female?  _X_Yes  ___No If No, explain:        ______________________________________________________________  Number of years they have been married ____________26______________  If less than your age, explain        ______________________________________________________________         ______________________________________________________________   ACCESSORIES SECTION:  A. Do you own or have access to a van?              _X_Yes  __No  B. A truck with oversized tires?                    __Yes  _X_No  C. A waterbed?                                      __Yes  _X_No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?            __Yes  _X_No

E. A tattoo?                                        _X_Yes  __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,               __Yes  _X_No Not anymore

   pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?   (IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.  I SUGGEST RUNNING.) As I said before lets find as many "faults" as possible. Yes I have access to a van, I have access to many things because people trust me and love me, no I would not have sex with your daughter in the back of a borrowed van. Yes I have ink this is a life  long commitment between me and God.   ESSAY SECTION:   In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?         __Late home- better have a very good reason and call you in advance____         __Late her period- You are going to shoot me like the dog I am______  In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?         __No inappropriate touching, I'm assuming holding hands for prayer___         __hugs, and pats on the shoulder would probably fall under the safe category  In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?         __It means no sex before marriage ie: anything with the word sex in it__         __also masturbation, petting, or group nudity. It is also what made my first__  
       ___girlfriend dump me(I made mistakes and I learned)________________________

 REFERENCES SECTION:  Church you attend _____Warrenton Church Of Christ_____________  How often you attend ___Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night______

I also go to many different Bible studies. A home group every other Friday, Young adult group every Friday, two different mens prayer breakfasts once a month, as well as a daily  personal Bible study  When would be the best time to interview your:         father? __tue/ths/fri afternoon, sat___         mother? __tue/ths/fri afternoon, sat___
   pastor? __Anytime you want to hear good things about me__   SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:   Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.  A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:         ____kneecap possibly the groin_____  B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:         _Fingers would probably hurt, but I'm thinking of broken jaw by way of curby_  C: A woman's place is in the:         ____Heart, home if your going for a physical place_____________  D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:         _______Do I have inappropriate thoughts about your daughter?_____________  E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________         ______Husband and father, honestly its been the one thing______         ______that hasn't changed in my life goals as the years passed_____  F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:         ___Probably one item hair, honestly I notice if she is attractive or not______        ___this is quickly followed by me seeing if she has a personality to match______
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __I would guess 100ish, I could probably find as cheap as 80_____  I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.   _____I do not think I can use blogger for cursive _______ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

See what I said about looking for faults :) ie: I know what a signature is, I also  know that moron originated as a medical term....   _______________________________      ________________________________ Mother's Signature                   Father's Signature  _Bob Kolodner (didn't say sign)__      __His name is Warner I didn't vote for him__ Pastor/Priest/Rabbi                  State Representative/Congressman 

And there we go filled out about as honestly as I could do, and with a few snarky comments to boot.