life

I've always had this feeling that there is a special purpose for me, that God has this pretty awesome plan. Needless to say this made me feel special, and gave me a good deal of selfworth/selfcenteredness.
Then one day as i was on a long drive, I was getten rather phylisofical and was wondering at how God always seems to pick failures, or increadibly unqualified people to do His work. Moses-murder, with a speech impediment, david- a sheepered, peter- constently needed things repeted to him, deneyed God, Thomas- doubter, the list goes on. and I came up with the very churchy answer of well then people can see it God because the person isn't anything special, and sometimes they down right suck.

then I rembered how I thought God had a special plan for me...

hope (song partial)

And when it gets dark
and im scarred tonight
ill grab my teddy
and hold it tight
because whats done is done
and whats over is over
and all i have left
is hope for tommorow

better man (song)

Walking along the razors edge
a step to either side and I'll be dead
I wish i could say its all in my head
but i know its not, i know its not
the world is hard
and it is cruel
God i just want to know
what to do

I have to believe theres a silver lining
in this cloud of misery
I come scared and afraid
would you please remove
this cup from me

because everything i don't want to do
I've done
and i have to admit
it has been fun
now I'm trying to be a better man
but the straight and narrow is a much harder stand

note to self find and post something not so depressing

note book of pain (song)

This dosn't apply to anything/anyone in particular. but I'm sure mosts artist/wanabe artists can relate to:

He scrawls his notes on whatever comes to hand
A sheet of paper or a napkin left on the night stand
The only way to clear his head
Is via his trusty pen
With papers filled with marks from when it just won’t write
And scrawls from when those words didn’t fit quite right

I pity the musician
And his book of pain
Page after page
Of pretty girls
Who entered his life
And then went away
And for every man the story’s the same
Just another book of pain

Every man needs his muse
And to pray at night that
It won’t be abused
But then she leaves
Becoming just another song it hurts to sing
And the lyrics change
To why did you leave me

I pity the musician
And his book of blame
Page after page
Of pretty girls
Who entered his life
And then went away
And for every man the story’s the same
Just another book of blame

And with every note he writes
He knows he’s been here before
This road he’s seen, this path he’s trod
With hopes the next one stays
He prays she isn’t the same

I pity the musician
And his book of shame
Page after page
Of pretty girls
Who entered his life
And then went away
And for every man the story’s the same
Just another book of shame

Paul or Barnabas (religious)

So there is this scripture, I’ve run into at least three times in the last month. In different classes and things I have been a part of. Needless to say I have had quite a bit of time to think about it. After a bit of thinking I decided, I would like to write my thoughts down. So I could share/ come back to later for my own purposes. The passage is below shamelessly copied from an online Bible site because I didn’t feel like typing it myself.

ACTS 15:36-41
36Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, "Let us go back and visit the brothers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing." 37Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, 38but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. 39They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, 40but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. 41He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.

Up to this point Paul and Barnabas had been spreading the gospel together as a team, and they were doing a pretty awesome job of it to. Then suddenly they had a disagreement strong enough to separate them. After such a large journey together what would do this? Well the inclusion of Mark, Barnabas’s cousin.
Apparently he had traveled with them before, and he left them. Paul decides he can’t be trusted because he has been known to leave them before. And Barnabas wants to give him a second chance. You know the same Barnabas who told the disciples to give Paul recently Saul a second chance:

Acts 9:26-28
26When he came to Jerusalem, he tried to join the disciples, but they were all afraid of him, not believing that he really was a disciple. 27But Barnabas took him and brought him to the apostles. He told them how Saul on his journey had seen the Lord and that the Lord had spoken to him, and how in Damascus he had preached fearlessly in the name of Jesus. 28So Saul stayed with them and moved about freely in Jerusalem, speaking boldly in the name of the Lord.

So they parted ways and both continued to spread the gospel, they just didn’t do it together. Barnabas took his cousin, and Paul took Silas. Then a good fifteen years latter Paul writes the following:

Colossians 4:10-14
10My fellow prisoner Aristarchus sends you his greetings, as does Mark, the cousin of Barnabas. (You have received instructions about him; if he comes to you, welcome him.) 11Jesus, who is called Justus, also sends greetings. These are the only Jews among my fellow workers for the kingdom of God, and they have proved a comfort to me. 12Epaphras, who is one of you and a servant of Christ Jesus, sends greetings. He is always wrestling in prayer for you, that you may stand firm in all the will of God, mature and fully assured. 13I vouch for him that he is working hard for you and for those at Laodicea and Hierapolis. 14Our dear friend Luke, the doctor, and Demas send greetings.

So somewhere in those fifteen years, there is some sort of reconciliation. I mean here’s this list of people Paul is praising and commending and there’s Mark. And it’s not like we can say well it’s a different Mark because it says the cousin of Barnabas. So out of these three pretty awesome men of God we have at least one guy who’s wrong.

Anyway the question was posed who are you more like?

Paul: you had you one chance and you blew it. The guy who needs to forgive and move on, because Mark ended up being a great guy.

Barnabas: The guy always willing to give someone a second chance.

Mark before: You’ve messed up and need to be forgiven

Mark after: You’ve messed up been forgiven, and your being a better person now.

Looking back at my life, well and my life now I can pretty clearly see times where I have been all of those people. I’m going to run down the list, starting from best to worst.


Barnabas I have been open and accepting, willing to give that guy/gal that no one else trusts a chance. You know the guy, who drinks, or smokes or curses; the couple that didn’t wait. The list goes on but you get the idea. The people who had a chance and blew it. The people who for whatever reason we decide are unworthy of forgiveness.
I don’t have an example of this to share. I’m ratting myself out not other people. If they want to share that’s their business.

Mark before and after. Oh have I been there, step over that line do something that’s just so bone headedly dumb and or obnoxious. I have certainly stepped on toes and needed forgiveness, and more importantly I have on multiple occasions received it.
I do have an example to share on this. A few years ago, a now good friend of mine all but hated my guts. This now friend, well he also happens to be the preacher at my church, so you know I had to have really screwed up. What was my crime well being a rash, judgmental, opinionated, abrasive jerkface mainly.
And I can still fall into some of these same snares, for instance I’m still very opinionated. But with a little work on both of our parts, and in my opinion quite a bit of molding by the Spirit. He is now someone I would consider a close friend. Both of us being a testament of if God can help these two, then surely He can help me.

Paul, ok some I’m pretty good at giving people a first chance, but then they go and stab me in the back, or shove me off that cliff, or any other metaphorical statement for the really real pain they cause me. And they don’t deserve a second chance and I most certainly don’t want to give it to them. Those people who decide I’m less of a disciple because of the way I dress, or my “lifestyle”. People who find out I’m a good worker, or generous and take advantage of that.
I’m much more likely to think those people are incredibly spiritually immature and need to grow up, and I still think they do, but the reaction to want to write them off instead of trying to work with them in the growing of their faith, yeah that’s definitely something I need to change.

Basically we give a lot of credit to Paul, I mean he did a lot of really cool and awesome things. But there’s probably a good reason why Paul gotten beaten, flogged, and arrested as often as he did. He was a hard headed, and opinionated. Don’t get me wrong the church needs to have Paul’s, he took the gospel places it had never been before, and he stood up for what was right regardless of who opposed him. Heck I identify more with Paul then Barnabas. But we could certainly use some people like mild mannered Barnabas

I’m a Paul, will you be my Barnabas?